My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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