the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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