Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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