i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
