I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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