I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
