two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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