I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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