Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
