Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
