haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
