Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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