Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
