If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
