And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
