He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Randomize
