found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize