The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
