Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
