Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
