I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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