if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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