my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My penis needs a shock collar
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
