i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
