seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
