I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Houston, we have a squirter
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
