We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
