Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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