I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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