At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
