I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
