just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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