tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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