I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
