Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize