My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
