dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
