she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
