Pappa wants mamma naked
Apparently you make a good broom.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize