3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
