thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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