I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
