There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
