I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
