This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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