If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Pooping to opera.
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