the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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