It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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