Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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