i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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