Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
