I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
