I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
