I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
