There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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