I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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