what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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