Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
