i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
