I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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