i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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