sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I would fuck him just for his dog
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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