The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
